Monthly Archives: June 2006

Better know your man

These are the INTERNATIONAL rules. I’d be curious to know what the American rules would be.

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re
sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and
only when it’s free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
15: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that’s just greedy
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about
his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while he is lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e . Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
22: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
23: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
24: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?”
with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of
story.
25: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics.
Ever.

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My favorite quote, to date

“Back when I was a Christian…before I realized I am a Child of God…”

John Trapp
overheard at Transmillennial 2006

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My freak quotient, revisited

What is is about people on power trips and me? Is there some sort of odor I’m emitting that triggers their inner Napoleon (Bonapart, not Dynamite)?

I took the kids to swim class at the Y this morning. You have to give them your card to get a lock for the lockers, but they lost my card last week so I have a “temporary card”. When I checked in, I had a whole conversation with the lady at the desk about this: has my card turned up? (she looked through her little box…an amazing amount of people have lost their cards, but mine was not in the little box) when will the machine be working again to make me a new one? etc., etc. My point here is that I HAD A CONVERSATION WITH THIS LADY IN WHICH WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND TALKED.

10 minutes later, my kids were merrily paddling about the pool. It’s, like 1067 degrees in there and I was not created to be able to survive on Mars, so I stepped back out into the lobby for a couple of minutes. I forgot my water bottle, so I went down to the end of the lobby to see how much a bottle of water cost. Deciding that was complete robbery, I started walking back towards the entrance to the pool/sauna area.

Here’s where things went wrong. Maybe it was the heat that made me smell or something and her little tenticles went “beep, beep, beep…there’s someone who needs a good dressing down!”
Anyway, my conversation WITH THE VERY SAME LADY I HAD TALKED TO 10 MINUTES BEFORE went like this:

Napoleon: “Excuse me, miss, is there something we can help you with?”
Me: “no”
Napoleon: “Only members are alound in the YMCA”
Me: “o.k.”
Napoleon: “You can’t go back there, miss”
Me: (what’s up with the ‘miss’ bit? my mom used to call me ‘little missy’ all the time when she was really pissed off, I don’t really take to that tone extremely well in my adult years) “my kids are in swim class”
Napoleon: “WELL! I didn’t know that. When I ask you where you are going, YOU need to inform me!”

Seriously weird. I need to adopt a more authoritarian countenance somehow. It can’t include wearing high heels, though. I gave those up after falling off the porch 9 months pregnant with Zoe, carring 2 year old Olivia. (We’ll talk about my grace issues some other day)

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Somebody get me a dictionary, I’m not certain what "untrammeled" means…

e only w***The Keys to Your Heart***

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You’d like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future… one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you’ve always wanted… though you haven’t really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Lovorks when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

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5 hours

I just spent 5 HOURS at the girls dance recital. It’s almost 11 pm and I just put my kids to bed. The last time they were up this late was the night the Buckeye’s won the national championship.

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I’m a finalist

I got a call yesterday morning from Simplicity Pattern Co. in New York saying that I’m a finalist in the American Sewing Guild competition. The link is to last years winners, but it shows what the contest is. I wanted to make a finalist position this year, so I’ve accomplished my goal.

I’ve had a series of somewhat professional disappointments lately, so accomplishing at least this goal has been affirming. ….Then I did Kevin’s little phycotic test (scroll down to “I’m a phyco”) and learned that I’m hystrionic, needing confirmation and affirmation from others. Well, it also said I tend to dress sexually provocatively. Unless you count my holey britches (see my post on April 27th), I’m not so sure about that one.

Anyhoo, I find out the finalist results by June 30th. Wish me luck.

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More Bumper Stickers

Squirrel…it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

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